HIDA Scan

Wow. I seriously overworried. That was about the most chill diagnostic test ever. I had an almost pleasant experience. The worst part was when I forgot to lock the door on the bathroom and some man tried to walk in while I was peeing before the test! I got one little needle stick that was about as painless as a needle stick could be, then I laid on a pillow on my back for an hour and a half. I even fell asleep during one part of the test. The technician even said I could use my phone while I was lying there. Now I just wait for the results to see if my gallbladder sucks at its job or not. So if anyone out there in the world is looking at this post because they googled HIDA Scan, please be calm. The test was virtually painless for me and there were no ill effects. Be Chill.

Scurred!

I am lying awake in my bed right now, wishing I had taken a nice tranquilizer at 11:59 p.m. so I could sleep. I have an appointment in the morning for a HIDA scan Gallbladder test and was told by the nurse at my doctor's office not to eat or drink or take anything and I mean ANYTHING after Midnight tonight. So I am freaking out about the experience that awaits me at the Regional Medical Center tomorrow morning, partially because I have no idea what is going to happen or how it is going to affect me and because I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pay $500 for a test that will tell me nothing is wrong. My biggest fear, though, is the damn needles. They have to inject me with a couple of things--the actual radioactive stuff and some fake bile to test how well my gallbladder is working. I personally do not love injections. I'm also scared to death because I'm slightly (and sometimes not so slightly) claustrophobic and I've been told this could be a problem. I mean, what if I get in there tomorrow and have a full-blown wig out?? P.S. reading other people's experiences on the internet can be fun, funny, helpful, and downright terrifying. I have no idea whether this thing will go off without a hitch, or if I will be puking my guts up gently for the last thirty minutes so as not to mess up the scan. Another issue I will face is complete and utter boredom as I will have to sit perfectly still with zero entertainment for around an hour and a half. SCARY! Especially for someone like me who can't sit still for two minutes. I'm thinking this is 2009, can't y'all just put me to sleep for this kind of thing?? So I guess I can spend the hour or so practicing my meditation, or more likely, freaking out about tons of things at work that are outside of my control. Fun! Anyway, I will try to remember to get on here with the actual story and result of my test. I'm gonna attempt to sleep while unmedicated again.

Grad School

I would like to start with a soothing image from Flaming Gorge that has nothing to do with the rest of my post.

Ok, so all that freaking out in my last post was totally unnecessary. I LOVE GRAD SCHOOL! I'm really glad I was able to reduce my work hours to 30 per week so that I can focus on learning. We've been in school for over a month now, and it has been a really fun experience to use my brain again! I love being able to discuss big ideas and get a greater understanding of how the world works. Also, I like being able to talk about things in an academic setting and not feel like I have to dumb it down or try to be all cool. Our class is really great. We have 26 people, and everyone works in Child and Family Services. We have class from 6-9 on Tuesdays and 4-10 on Thursdays, so we always have a potluck dinner on Thursdays so we don't starve. It feels like we have a really good support system with our class. I carpool up to the U with two other people from my office, which is really great for me because it forces me to go to class, which isn't a problem for me right now, but I know from my undergrad that by the end of the three years they will have had to drag me there more than a couple of times.

Photography!

This is a cool flower I found near Flaming Gorge. I pretty much love it. Note the tiny bug and the ray of sunshine!

Mundane

I just have a lot on my mind right now and need to sort through some things. This one may come off as a to-do list, so if you are looking for something interesting, you may want to just skip on past. This one is for my benefit. So I'm getting ready to start Grad school in three weeks and I am scared shitless. I'm really nervous to be back in school and working at the same time, especially now that I have a real job and the stakes are a lot higher. I'm totally excited in a lot of ways, like I can't wait to be in the classroom again learning and I'm looking forward to reading and getting to know new people and networking and such, however, I have this problem where when I get overwhelmed I kind of shut down and that's what's really freaking me out!! So now that school is starting, I've made that kind of a deadline for getting all these things done that I probably should have done forever ago, like all those New Year's Resolutions that I forgot about. I've been really trying to get organized at home and get my room/closet/kitchen/everything cleaned and in perfect order. Neatness has never come naturally to me, so this has been a real challenge. I've recruited my roommates and dearest friends to help in this endeavor. We'll see how that goes. Today I actually accomplished a lot. I cleaned out my closet (ok I need you to understand that this was a MAJOR accomplishment, and something I have been meaning to do since I moved in this place two years ago.) I also did all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen floor. I went shopping, bought some new clothes, put all those away, went shopping again for a new shredder, since I brutally murdered mine last night with one freaking peice of mail. Screw you, Chase Bank for making your statements so damn thick! Anyway, that was a $20 lesson and the new shredder isn't as bad ass as the old one, so I'm kinda bummed. Sorry for the detour. Anyway, more stuff to do--get my immunization records... um, I'm 27! I really didn't think I would be needing my immunization records at this juncture, but I do, so I gotta figure out how to do that. OH. And I decided to start putting my awesome artsy pictures up on here, since I don't have anywhere else to display my AMAZING photography skills. Back to my point. I still need to finish hanging up and folding all my clothes, clean off my desk, hang my pictures back on the wall, touch up the paint where my friend's kid hit the wall over and over with a little piece of metal, and where I scraped up the place putting my desk together. Fix the curtains in the living room, clean out all the cabinets in the kitchen, wipe out the fridge, eat some of the stuff in the freezer so my new tenant can get some stuff in there... Oh and I am getting a new roommate monday, so I am really really trying to get the house in order for her. She seems pretty cool, and basically like she will never be around. So many things are going through my mind right now!! So many little stories and things that have happened that make me laugh and little moments that I find profound and silly. I just got back from a visit to Louisiana with my family, which was great! I got to meet little Aidyn, who is adorable, despite the fact that he has whacked out parents, and spent a whole week chilling out with the family. I loved it! Coming back from vacation is always insane, though. I guess I just needed a minute to pat myself on the back for what I got done today and to figure out what my next steps are. Tomorrow I'm going to get a blessing from my friend's dad to hopefully put my mind at ease about the whole grad school thing. I just haven' t had any big changes in my life for the last couple of years, and I've really been enjoying myself, so I'm nervous for this huge change! Anyway, if you're reading this, thanks for sticking with me through the boring stuff!

Opposition in All Things

I don't know if I have the vocabulary necessary to accurately describe the emotional roller coaster I've experienced today.

This morning doctors induced labor on my cousin, which led to the birth of my apparently beautiful and genetically blessed pseudo-nephew type kid, Aidyn. My little sister dutifully kept me informed of the process and provided me with the play by play via text message while I sat in a training for work. My excitement grew with each text as I waited for the REAL DEAL and I wished that I could have been home in Louisiana for the occasion and could have spent that time celebrating with the rest of the family!

At nearly the same moment that the baby was finally born, I was informed by a friend and coworker that one of my former clients had committed suicide by drug overdose in her apartment last night and that her body had just been found by a family member. I work as a social worker in child protection and had spent over two years working with this lady and her family, which consists of four children ages 11 to 18, all in foster homes. I really became very close to the whole family during this process of meeting with them and helping them to make changes and cope with problems in their lives. The woman had even said before that I was like part of the family! No small compliment for someone who she could easily blame for much of the sadness in her life. Instantly I felt numb and flooded with guilt for not having returned a recent phone call (since she was now working with another worker, I just passed the message on to him.) And my own feelings from losing my dad four years ago came back to me. I was left there trying to figure out how I could help the new worker deal with this incredible crisis and wishing there was something I could have done to prevent her kids from having to deal with one more tragedy in their less-than-stellar lives. I ended up spending the evening with the oldest girl and talking with her about events leading up to her mother's suicide, her own plans for the future, good times with her mother, the death of my own dad, and distracting her with dinner and a movie before dropping her off at a friend's house and encouraging her to stay clean and sober while going through this painful time.

I find it interesting in my profession how I am called upon over and over to help others through their personal tragedies, and how frequently these experiences dredge up old hurts, issues, feelings, and wounds from my past that I must face anew. It is a constant battle for social workers to work through our own issues over and over again as we help our clients learn to do the same. I felt that losing my dad was somehow almost necessary for me to be able to help this girl work through the loss of her mother, and for a moment I was almost oddly grateful for the experience.

Throughout the day I went from happily discussing the details of the birth and preparations to bring the baby home, to solemnly informing family members and friends of the death of their loved one. Depending on who I was talking to, I was either elated or devastated at any given moment. I was laughing in one breath and crying in the next, taking my cues from the person on the other end of the phone. Once, while driving the girl back to her car, I was talking away excitedly on the phone to my aunt, the new grandma!, and at the same time was painfully aware of the quiet suffering going on in the next seat over.

The juxtaposition of the feelings of grief and celebration, life and death, sickness and health, two families experiencing joy and tragedy at nearly the same moment, both families being tied to me and all of this reality coming together within me alone at this instant was overwhelming to say the least. I've spent the remainder of the day trying to figure out how to process the situation, and how to find how I really feel. I've been contemplating how one person can experience such intense happiness and pain in the same mind, body, and moment. I fear that my words won't do it justice. The uniqueness of this experience both fascinates and confounds me. It was too precious and too poignant not to share.

Home Sweet Home

Today I was driving around town and saw a redneck good time in progress. One thing I love about the less sophisticated people in our nation is that they are always home in the middle of the day. Today There was a family out on their lawn, just hanging out. About six people. One large lady in a strapless-tube-top-muumuu-dress thing, a man with a mullet, another bald man with a mustache and a muscle shirt and too-short shorts. There was a complete set of car rims on the grass and what looked like yard sale materials. It was priceless. I tried to get a picture, but I was driving, which made things difficult, when I came back by, I was prepared, but the festivities were over. A picture is worth a thousand words, I guess, but too bad. I've only got about 150.